every day i resist the urge to write irresponsible things on this blog
I don't like spreading misery. At the same time, this place is my outlet, and currently world is a fuck, etc. I suffer from perpetual (sometimes self-imposed) badbrain. I spiral emotionally, get really angry, fail to enjoy the things I used to. I'm prone to repeating behaviours and going places I know won't do any good for my mental. Mostly I just spend too much time looking at my phone.
I resist the strong desire to spew all that pent up guck here. I feel, somehow, that it would taint this place that is sacred to me. Last night I watched a video of someone thoroughly cleaning an incredibly dirty carpet. Right now this site, including this blog, is much like the end-result carpet: beautiful and clean; thoughtfully cared-for. To write everything that's currently circling the drain in my brain would be to sprinkle a little mud on that carpet. I think it might break my heart.